Self-Sabotage: Why We Do It and 6 Steps to Stop the Cycle

With Dr. Judy Ho

Self-sabotage is something we all do. It’s part of human nature.

These behaviors can impact our productivity, or stop us from reaching our goals in life. And for leaders, it can present an even bigger problem because it affects our teams and communities, too.

On a mission to combat self-sabotage, Dr. Judy Ho recently wrote a book titled Stop Self-Sabotage: Six Steps to Unlock Your True Motivation, Harness Your Willpower, and Get Out of Your Own Way. In it, she walks through science-driven steps to approach and remove self-sabotage in your life.

I was fortunate to have had Dr. Ho as a guest on a recent episode of the Passions & Profits Without Burnout podcast to share her wisdom. Check out our full interview, or read on here to learn about the three key takeaways.

Why We Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage is something that we all do — it’s part of the human experience.

Why we do it goes back to our biology and our evolutionary roots. All human beings have two primary drives: attain rewards and avoid threats. This is how we survive as humans, but there are times when there’s a switch that’s triggered.

When we start thinking too much about avoiding threats, we lean into self-sabotaging behaviors.

Today, threats aren’t running away from a lion. Modern-day threats are emotional and psychological: What if people won’t like my ideas? What if I applied for this job and I don’t get it? What if I’m rejected if I ask them out?

But these threats still trigger our fight-or-flight system, with our brains and bodies reacting in the same way. As we think about avoiding the threat, we start self-sabotaging.

There can also be a secondary effect of self-sabotage: shame, which also causes more self-sabotage. That next wave of thoughts or emotions that judges our first thoughts, emotions or behaviors is actually much more detrimental than even the first thing.

The self-sabotage itself is not necessarily the worst thing — it’s what we think about our self-sabotage. — Dr. Judy Ho

Even though self-sabotage is something innate in the human experience, it doesn’t have to rule our lives or keep us from reaching goals. There are tangible steps to take to address the root causes of our self-sabotaging behavior and cut the cycle off.

6 Steps to Stop Self-Sabotaging

Before getting to the practical ways to stop self-sabotaging, it’s important to approach this with kindness and grace. We’re often so mean to ourselves! We get frustrated when we notice self-sabotaging behavior and beat ourselves up about it… which only leads to more or the same behavior.

So, start with the understanding that this is something everyone experiences and you are capable of making changes that will support your goals and relationships.

Here are six steps to stop self-sabotage in your life:

1. Identifying your self-sabotage triggers

All of us have different thought patterns that happen when we’re stressed. and some of those thought patterns aren’t very helpful. Here are some common thought triggers:

• Black and white thinking — seeing things as all good or all bad
• Mind reading — you “know” exactly what people are thinking of you and then you act accordingly
• Personalization — always making it about yourself
• Catastrophizing — believing that once one thing goes wrong, everything will be ruined

Identifying thought triggers is the first step to understanding why you have self-sabotaging behaviors — it’s rewinding the tape to see what triggered it.

2. Learn to deactivate your triggers and reset the emotional thermostat

Once you’ve realized which negative thoughts are getting in your way, there are a few ways to begin to work with them. You can start to question your thoughts and realize that not all thoughts are reality.

• Identify “evidence for” and “evidence against”: Write down the negative thought on top and then write down both evidence for and against the thought on the page. For example, your negative thought might be, “I’m never getting promoted.” Evidence against is that you haven’t yet, but evidence for is that you’ve had two great performance reviews.
• Create a new thought: Try the “yes-but” technique. For example, “Yes, I haven’t been promoted yet, but I have a great relationship with my supervisor and I think we’re headed in the right direction.”
• Changing your relationship to that thought: Labeling is a technique that helps you add a clause to your thought — ”I’m having the thought that…” Your negative thoughts feel true, but by adding this clause, you are distancing yourself from the thought and checking it.

3. Release the rut

This is all about the ABCs: Antecedents, Behaviors, and Consequences. There’s always something that precedes the self-sabotaging behavior and then it leads to a certain consequence.

For example, you may have some social anxiety but make plans to go to a party with new people. The ABCs are:

• The antecedent is the lead-up to going, where you’re very nervous and playing over the situations again and again in your head.
• The behavior is to call up and say you can’t go. This will probably give some temporary relief from the uncomfortable antecedent.
• The consequences are feelings of shame, embarrassment, and not reaching your social goals. And, you may do it again, because of those few minutes of feeling good about canceling.

When you identify the ABCs, you can see that pattern that leads you back into self-sabotage.

4. Replacement, not repetition

Once we’ve identified our basic ABCs, what’s keeping us in this self-sabotage loop, we can address this in a couple of different ways:

• Set up your antecedents in a way that might not lead to self-sabotage as much. For example, say you’re self-sabotaging your side hustle efforts by working late at night when you’re tired. Try changing the environment before the behavior by waking up earlier to work on it instead.
• Oppose the self-sabotaging behavior: This would be forcing yourself to do the thing you don’t want to (i.e., going to the party instead of canceling) and then evaluating what happens afterward.

Our brain starts to automate things over time. So to break the old ABCs, you need to start creating new patterns that it will automate.

5. A value a day keeps self-sabotage away

This is hard work. So, how do you persevere and keep going?

It’s important that your goals are steeped in your most important values. Some common values are spirituality, community, knowledge, and integrity, but there are thousands of them.

Big life goals are always exciting, but also nerve-wracking and scary. If you only think about the negative emotions, you won’t keep moving forward. But by remembering the underlying value behind them, you will push forward.

6. Create a blueprint for change

Visualizing your goals is impactful, but you also need to build specific steps to know how you’re going to reach your goals. You can follow a process like this to create your blueprint for change:

• Gather all the knowledge that you’ve gained from those prior five steps.
• Make it personal to you by putting it together on one page
• Put it in a place in your house where you can see this daily
• Use the blueprint when you come across obstacles and find yourself on the verge of self-sabotage

You can go through all the action steps, and complete the techniques, but if you don’t rehearse it and practice it, it’s not going to work out.

Self-sabotage is part of human nature, but it doesn’t have to rule our lives. There is a way to get out of the negative pattern of self-sabotage and reframe your thoughts and behaviors to actively help you reach your goals.

If you want to connect further with Dr. Judy Ho or access her free resources, make sure to visit her website or pick up a copy of her new book. You can also check out the full interview on the Passions & Profits Without Burnout podcast to dive deeper into this topic.