4 tips for giving great advice
(lessons I learned from my dog)
We all know one of those people. You know, the ones who can’t help but stick their nose into other people’s business? It’s usually that distant relative you only see once or twice a year who still views you as a kid, or maybe that know-it-all friend who just can’t help themselves. You don’t ask for it, but they give it anyway: unsolicited advice.
It took me awhile to realize that I can sometimes be one of those overly “helpful” people. I inherited overzealous advice-giving from the most well-intentioned folks around — my family.
There was one family member, however, who was never too nosy: our family dog.
When I really look at the root of my bent for giving unsolicited advice, it usually comes down to a selfish desire for control over others and my environment — neither of which are positive or even possible, really.
Try as I might to resist the urge to do so, I sometimes still default to that old opinion-dropping habit. On that note, here’s my 4-step plan to giving great advice… can you say irony?
1. DON’T
Unless somebody specifically says, “Can I get your advice?” don’t give it. Seriously… just don’t.
Like our canine friends: Be unassuming, quiet and positive. When in doubt, just sit there and be supportive.
2. STOP
If you just can’t help yourself or you feel like you absolutely need to intervene in a toxic situation… stop and take a minute first. Reflect on the issue you think needs to be addressed. Chew on these questions:
- What’s my motivation here?
- Is it my place to say anything?
- How would I feel in their shoes?
- What approach might work best?
If your answers to these questions are not 100% positive and altruistic (i.e. unselfishly motivated), go back to Step #1.
3. LISTEN
The absolute best thing you can do to help someone is to simply listen non-judgmentally. Consider that they likely know that there’s an area in their life that could use improvement and they may already be taking positive steps towards resolving it. When you give someone an opportunity to speak without interruption, you can help them to work through the issue (and possibly even come to a conclusion) on their own.
You know who the best listeners can be? Dogs. They are in the moment, non-judgmental and will never call you out on your shortcomings. We could all learn a lesson about active listening from our four-legged friends.
4. ASK
Remember, advice, sage as it is, isn’t always easy to receive. You may have observed the need for improvement or change in a person — but for them, it may be brand new information that can be difficult to hear. Instead of trying to force them to take your advice, help them discover the truth in their own power.
Instead of telling, teach by asking. Tactfully ask questions that help guide them to answers on their own. Some approaches might be:
- You mentioned wanting to change XYZ, what’s your plan for that?
- How does this situation make you feel?
- Are you working with a doctor/counselor/mentor on that?
- Would you like an accountability partner for this?
- What do you see as your first step here?
Asking someone open-ended questions like these can be really clarifying and will also help them flex their own problem-solving muscle (and don’t worry, you’ll still get all the credit for being a loyal friend).
So, you want my two cents’ worth? Be more like our canine friends and simply spend time, be present, love unconditionally– and bury the advice.
